I haven’t eaten for two days, and my body is a mess; I’ve never felt such physical pain from a broken heart.  So many tears.  Matt agreed to talk and I asked if we could Skype so we could get as close to talking in-person as possible.  I had dinner plans with some friends at Sara’s and I went for a bit before Skyping with Matt.  They were all very supportive and hopeful for me.

The conversation with Matt went pretty well.  We both shared our feelings and he tried to explain why he did what he did.  In retrospect, he wishes he had handled it differently.  He says he does love me and he’s not sure what to do.  He used the word ambivalent.  I asked him if he really wanted me out of his life and the relationship to be over; he said no.  He asked for some time to figure things out and pray for some guidance.  Overall, I felt better at the end of our talk; I think Matt did too.  I’m not sure if I will be going to Ohio or not.  I was so excited to spend time with Matt in his home, and doing things with him in Ohio; it will be very hard for me to be there without that.  It’s up to him if I go to Ohio.  I guess I’ll know in a week or so.

Today was the worst day ever.  My life was turned upside down in a split second.  Matt sent me a text saying we’re stuck and things aren’t going to work out since we’re so far away.  He’s not going to move to Washington because of his daughter, so it doesn’t make sense to continue the relationship.  My heart is broken; I don’t understand.  Many texts went back and forth.  Why did he tell me he loves me?  Does he even know what that means?  Why don’t I get a say?  Why can’t we talk through this together?  It’s not fair to just decide to end it when we could talk about it.

Mom, Boyd, Aunt Barb, and Uncle Doug already had planned to come over for dinner tonight and it was good to be preoccupied.  Of course, I couldn’t hold the tears back.  Mom said to give him time and he’s probably just panicking and it’s a knee jerk reaction.  I don’t know.  This hurts so much that I don’t know if I want to be with someone who can be so hurtful.  I was glad everyone was over to distract me; we experimented with different martini concoctions and had a good visit for the most part.  Now to try to get some sleep; I’m sure I will cry myself to sleep.

Another visit from Matt.  And this time he met Charlette, Mayce, Collette, Marty, Sarah, Uncle Rich, and Grandpa O.  Jamie and Shaun were sick, and Grandma O was recovering from being in the hospital.  I made salmon dinner for everyone, and we played games, and drank wine.  My throat started to hurt, and by the end of the night I had lost my voice.  I woke up the next morning so sick.  Matt took such good care of me.  He went to the store for medicine, bought a thermometer, made sure I stayed hydrated and just laid in bed with me.  He has now seen me at my worst.  I felt so bad.  We had plans with friends, and we were going to go to a bar to watch my favorite band, and I couldn’t do anything.  I started feeling a little bit better on Matt’s last day and I forced myself to get out of bed and go to Terra Blanca.  We sat outside and had some wine and cheese.  I still wasn’t feeling that great but it was nice to get out.

Of course the next day was hard because Matt had to leave.  I hate saying goodbye.  I’m not sure where this is going or what this means but I know I really enjoy spending time with him and I really miss him in between our visits.  The feelings get more and more intense each time.  Can a long distance relationship work?  Who will move if we get to that point?

Another wonderful visit with Matt.  This time he met Mom and Boyd.  We met up at The Dugout.  While at The Dugout, they invited Matt and I to go to the cabin with them for the night, so we did.  Being at the cabin is so peaceful.  We drank, played games, and took a walk at night.  The stars are amazing; the sky was so clear and there were hundreds of thousands of stars that you just don’t see when you’re in the city.  Matt was holding me while we were staring at the stars then he looked at me, kissed me, and said “I’m falling in love with you.”  Oh, my heart melted.  What a perfect, romantic time to hear that.  I got chills, and I said “really?”  “Yeah, really” he said and kissed me.

The next day we drove to Spokane and spent the night at The Davenport Hotel.  We had an amazing dinner, then went out for drinks and live music where we had a lot of fun.  The next morning, we drove to Silverwood and met up with Sara, Stephen, Loni, Mike, Sean, Joanna, and Laura.  We spent most of the time in the lazy river with drinks.  Matt rode a few rides before we needed to head back home.  We spent our last night relaxing on the couch in the loft with a movie before he had to get on the plane in the morning.  Lots of tears at the airport.

Matt had so much fun he’s coming back!  He will be here for Labor Day weekend.  I can’t wait!

Matt’s visit was so much fun!  The anticipation of being at the airport and seeing him walk through the security doors was intense; my heart was pounding.  A group of three ladies were watching me and apparently made a bet and finally asked me if I was waiting for a kid, or a man.  Haha!  I looked cute; I was wearing my khaki fitted dress from Black and White, and my favorite plaid peek toe shoes.  I waited for what felt like an hour but was probably really only 15 minutes for him to get off the plane.  And then I saw him.  My heart started racing even faster.  Big smile.  Then a big hug.  I don’t quite remember what we said to each other; it’s all a blur now.  I know I said “Welcome to Washington.”  We walked out to the car, I popped the trunk for his luggage, and then he put his arm around my waist, pulled me close, and gave me a big kiss!  I’m pretty sure I went numb.  It was great.  He’s a good kisser!

We went to my house to drop off luggage, and I gave him a tour of my home.  We had a glass of wine on the back porch, before we went to White Bluffs for some beer, then went to Bookwalter Winery. We sat outside, had a bottle of wine, and some cheese fondue, then took a little walk around the winery before heading home.  Over the course of the weekend, we went to Kimo’s, Cheese Louise, The Dugout, and Terra Blanca a few times.  We went on the Terra Blanca vineyard tour with a couple other people, then our group had a private wine tasting.  We started chatting with the other guys, and Matt was on a role telling his jokes.  They were intrigued with the fact that he’s from Columbus, Ohio, so they gave him the nickname “The Columbus Guy.”  We were even invited to one guy’s house for a party the next day.  We didn’t end up going.  Side note: I later saw this same guy again at Terra Blanca and he recognized me and immediately said, “Where’s your boyfriend, The Columbus Guy?!?”  Matt definitely made an impression.

We did a mini photo-shoot at Terra Blanca, then went to Kiona since Matt was familiar with their wine and wanted to see the actual vineyard.  He took some great pictures!

It was so hard to say good-bye the morning he had to leave.  We enjoyed each other’s company so much.  I’m not sure what all this means or where it’s headed but I know I will see him again.  The feelings are pretty strong.

Matt Lydy is coming to Washington to visit!  This was rather unexpected, but I’m really looking forward to it.  It all started with a really random Facebook post about Victoria’s Secret catalogs, and 34 messages later and talking about the pacific northwest, he has booked a flight.  We have spent a lot of time texting and talking on the phone and even Skyping and getting to know each other.  He makes me laugh, and we have a lot in common.  What will it be like when he gets off the plane?  Will he kiss me?  What will I do?  Will I be nervous?  I’m pretty sure I will be.  He says he will be nervous.

There are so many places I want to show him; I have a rough itinerary for us but that can all change; we will for sure make a trip to Terra Blanca.

I had a wonderful visit in Ohio with Mandi, and friends, and family.  I’m going to try to make the 4^th of July an annual Ohio visit.  I had the traditional Bar Louie happy hour and quite a few of my friends showed up, and it was so great to catch up with everyone.  Erin Gibbs is now engaged and planning her wedding for August 2012.  Matt Lydy and I were the last ones there and we visited for quite awhile before I needed to leave.  He seems like a really nice guy.  If I were in Ohio, I would be interested in getting to know him more.